Jessica’s adoption story
As I stepped out of the car into the deluge of rain that soaked through my cardigan, I made an effort to be in the moment. This was the start of something I had waited for my entire life. For as long as I could remember I had always hoped to one day adopt. Just like a young girl plans her wedding or talks about her future career, I talked about adoption. The idea that family could be created out of love and didn’t rely on blood always made me feel a sense of comfort. Our adoption agency was located on the second floor of an ordinary office building near the river. I’d been here before, years prior, with the same hope and longing to grow our family through adoption.
This time felt different. The uncertainty was overshadowed by excitement and knowing. Years before, Aaron and I entered this same office building, climbed the dingy staircase to the second floor, and listened to a woman explain open adoption and what made this agency unique. Half way through the session, we were told to, “open our packets to the agency fee schedule.” As soon as I looked at the numbers that were glaring up at me from the page, I felt the disappointment assume control of my body. There was no way we could afford to adopt a baby at that point in our lives. I’d just suffered a miscarriage, and I was feeling scared and my heart felt heavy. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant and carry a baby to term, and finding out we couldn’t afford an open adoption only made the pressure I was feeling to start a family more intense.
Years passed and I discovered that my fear that we wouldn’t be able to start a family was unfounded. I gave birth to two beautiful babies. My pregnancies with Penelope and Nolan weren’t without bumps and bruises, but all things considered the end result was perfection. Nolan was born in the fall and by the time summer rolled around the following year, Aaron and I felt the strong urge to grow our family once more. We knew our next baby would come to us through adoption. For us, this would take years of planning and saving.
The road to adoption is not a simple one. There are a lot of hoops to jump through before you can even begin the actual “adoption process.” There we were, climbing the same dingy stairs, stepping into the chilly brick room, and the same woman we’d met years prior standing up front. I took a deep breath. I wanted to be present and to take this all in. Looking around the U-shaped table for two empty seats, I noticed the same blue packets casually strewn across the table top. Today was the informational session, the first official step in our adoption journey.
For us, it was important to find an agency that aligned with our values of openness and honesty. We wanted an agency that was birth family focused and took the time to establish lasting bonds between birth and adoptive families. This agency checked all these boxes. Without hesitation, and with a great deal of anticipation, we decided to move forward.
I kept looking down at my phone to check the time. Aaron was supposed to meet me at eleven and take us to the agency where we would be doing our two-day adoption seminar. Anyone who knows me knows that sitting anywhere for two days is the definition of my personal hell, but I was ready to jump into the process feet first. What normally felt like a challenge, now made me feel shaky with excitement. It was February 2019 and the air had a deep chill. Armed with a bag full of snacks, we entered the dingy staircase and climbed back up to the cool brick room. We were met with a roomful of excited smiles for the other hopeful adoptive families. As we took our seats at the U-shaped table, I decided this moment needed to be documented. I got up, stepped out into the hall, and walked into the bathroom where I took a bathroom mirror selfie. I wasn’t ready to share with our friends that we’d started this journey, but I hoped this picture would be a future reminder of the long road that would one day culminate in holding my sweet babe. The seminar covered things like: birth parent rights, race and adoption, and adoption law. The agency even hosted a panel of former adoptees, birthparents, and other individuals that had successful adoptions through the agency. When the seminar was over, I felt overcome with hope and the pressure I’d felt years prior was replaced with a sense of lightness and knowing.
The months passed and so did each step on the agency checklist. Before we knew it, we were scheduling our home study. I’d read home study horror stories as I doom scrolled through adoption blogs and posts. I can see how having someone come into your home and construct a thirty-page document detailing every aspect of your life could be a little intimidating, but I can say with absolute certainty that it wasn’t as bad as the others made it seem. I actually enjoyed the intimacy of it all. What other situations allow you to showcase your home and family in the same way? As an avid therapy enthusiast, I can say, the home study feels like a comprehensive therapy assessment where your therapist asks for a tour of your home and smoke detectors.
We received the news that we were officially in the adoption pool the week before Thanksgiving 2019. Being active in the adoption pool is super intense. Once a family enters the adoption pool, they could get “the call” at any moment. Waiting for a call that may or may not come was both exhilarating and exhausting. I had my phone glued to my side at all times. According to the agency, the call could come anytime between the hours of 6am and 11pm. As hopeful adoptive families we were told stories of families being in the middle of work meetings and grocery shopping when their “call” came in. They were told to “abandon” their cart and head straight to the hospital. When and how this call was going to happen became an all-consuming thought. From one control freak to another, you have zero control when it comes to adoption. When that call comes in, you have to be ready to go.
Not all adoption placements are this dramatic. Periodically, we would receive a screening email. A screening is a detailed account of a potential placement that fits within your preselected parameters and each hopeful adoptive family is asked to decide if they want their profile presented to this expectant family. Once you’ve said “yes” to a situation you only hear a response if you’re the chosen family. Receiving a screening email always gets the blood pumping. Each time I heard the ding and saw the email pop up on my phone, I’d get a little endorphin rush and then inevitably be let down when I didn’t hear a response.
The months seemed to fly by. I was busy being a boss mama, running my pet service business Platinum Leash and shuffling my littles to one activity or another. Suddenly it was March 2020. My business was booming; and the knowledge that I could get “the call” at any time brought me excitement. Then COVID hit. Normal life came to a screeching halt. I was suddenly a stay-at-home mama. The whole family was home and this was the perfect time to have a new baby in the house. To occupy my mind, I became a serial hobbyist. Between gardening, becoming an herbalist, baking, kayaking, teaching, and extreme shiplapping (thanks Joanna and Chip) I was doing my best not to dwell on waiting for a baby. Oh, and let’s not forget the impulse purchases… Everyone needs a tiny office and Vintage camper trailer, right?!? The one-year mark is a daunting milestone for any hopeful family. The average wait for an adoption is 18 months, but when we hit one year, the wait became exponentially harder.
We received a few screenings here and there. I let myself get my hopes up on some. Our world changed on January 2nd, 2021 at 6:36 pm. We were having our weekly family pizza and movie night. I heard my phone ding and looked down to see an email from the agency. I felt my breath catch as something about this felt different. We finished the movie, wrangled the kids into bed, and snuggled up to finish our most recent HBO Max binge watch. As we sat snuggled up in the chair, we read the email together. It in fact was a screening. A little boy had been born the night before. His birth had been traumatic. Immediately following his birth, he went into respiratory distress and hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy. The hospital was unable to stabilize him and he was transported by life flight to the nearest NICU. By the time we received the email, the sweet babe was in critical but stable condition. As you can imagine, some screenings require discussion before we are able to make a decision. Aaron and I looked at each other and said at the same time, “is there any reason we’d say no?”
Without second thought, we were sure this was meant to be our little boy. I replied yes to the email, hoping that we would hear something the next morning. I lay awake most of the night, feeling like this could be our time and my life could change in a moment's notice.
The next morning, I did my best not to think about the screening email from the night before. I went for a run and helped my daughter build a craft project she received for Christmas. As the morning progressed into afternoon, a heavy feeling set over me. I was sure we would have heard by now if we’d been chosen. Not a minute after I let myself lose hope my phone rang. The caller ID showed a number in the same city where the adoption counselor assigned to this particular case lived.
My head was spinning. I remember looking out the window for a split second and seeing a blur of colors but unable to focus on any one object. I called for Aaron. I let the phone buzz one more time and then I picked up. The next 20 minutes are a complete blur. The woman on the other end of the phone told us that we had been chosen to adopt the sweet little baby we had just learned existed the night before. The counselor gave us more information on the case and we set up a time to meet his birth mama via zoom the following day.
Meeting the baby's birth mama was one of the most incredible and humbling experiences. The magnitude of her decision and the love she had for her son was overwhelming. Her smile felt warm and, talking to her, I knew she had to be part of our family. We spent a couple of hours getting to know each other and making sure each party felt comfortable with the situation. When the Zoom call ended, we were given the okay to head up to the hospital to meet our little boy. As soon as I looked at his precious face, I knew it was meant to be.
He was still on a ventilator, sedation, and a feeding tube. We hadn’t signed any paperwork but as I looked at him through the radiant warmer, I realized that I couldn’t imagine my life without him. We had found our baby. The hospital would only allow us to stay for a short time but that’s all it took for him to show us his name. On the drive home from the hospital, we received word that the official paperwork was ready to be signed. We pulled over in a tree lined parking in between an old church and a synagogue. In a moment, I had signed my name seven times. Seven is my lucky number and seven times is all it took to make this sweet baby ours. We submitted the paperwork, started the car, and drove home in the same deluge of rain knowing we were now officially a family of five.
Everett came home from the hospital January 19th. He was only 19 days old and had come so far. His recovery and resilience are nothing short of miraculous. I talk to his beautiful birth mama daily. We share photos and stories. She tells me about her life and I share about mine. I am grateful for her everyday. I frequently get questions from curious people asking about Everett’s situation. I tell them that Everett will always know he’s adopted. The love between him and his birth family will make him happier and more whole because of his beautiful and unique story. People seem to carry certain assumptions about adoption and the individuals involved.
When done ethically, adoption is both beautiful and brutal. With intense love also comes loss. While my family is growing in love, another mama is grieving. Not because she regrets her choice, but because she loves her child. I hope that one day adoption becomes normalized. I will work every day to make sure my son knows that he is loved and that his story is unique and special. Everett’s family might not look the same as everyone else’s but what it lacks in uniformity it is made up for in love. I am grateful everyday for the opportunity to have an open adoption. There were times when this dream seemed far off and out of reach. As I sit here with my sweet baby snuggled up on my chest I am filled with hope. Not the same hope that I felt in 2019 when we started down the long road to adoption, but a hope that my son will be proud of where he came from and feel the intense amount of love that surrounds him.
*Authors note: In my mission to normalize adoption and promote adoption positive language, I am happy to answer any questions about our process or adoption in general. Feel free to reach out via Instagram.
For the timeline of our adoption process, see my adoption timeline.
As Featured in, “Love What Matters”
