To Share or Not to Share
6 Things to consider when navigating adoption in the workplace.
The adoption process is both exciting and stressful. The decision whether or not to share your adoption journey with others is a personal one. Navigating this in the workplace can be even more challenging.
Being that I am a very open person, I decided to be open and honest about each step in the process. At the time, I worked for a local community college. My office was family focused and the school had policies in place to protect women and families. But this is not universally true - everyone has a different experience and expectation when it comes to sharing with coworkers. I ended up leaving my office job halfway through the adoption process, in order to focus on growing my small business. Being a business owner created its own set of complexities.
There are several things to consider when it comes to sharing your journey with colleagues.
1.Will having a confidant at work make you feel more comfortable? Sometimes it’s nice to have someone we can rely on at work. In the event that you receive a screening email or are feeling particularly stressed about the process, it's always nice to have someone to talk to. I found that I was really excited, and being able to share that excitement with my co-workers helped keep me positive. It was also helpful to have someone to confide in, on the days the wait felt long and tedious.
On the other hand, some people are more private, or you may have a work situation that doesn’t afford you the opportunity to share. If you’re able to have a person to share with outside of work, that can be helpful too.
2. Will sharing impact your role and or advancement in your career? The wait can be long, and a lot can happen during the waiting period. Sometimes employers and coworkers don't understand this. They can assume that you may not want a promotion, or may overlook you for specific roles. Although this line of thinking is wrong, it doesn’t always stop it from happening.
3. How much “teaching” are you willing to do? With sharing, comes a lot of explaining. Many people are unfamiliar with the specifics of adoption and they may not understand what the adoption wait entails. Whether they are unfamiliar with last minute placements, or that sometimes the wait can take years, this can lead to some important teaching moments. If you are someone that doesn’t want to “teach” others, it might be worth considering limiting the pool of people with whom you share.
4. Are you comfortable with questions and “feedback”? This goes along with number 3. The reality is that adoption is still not considered “mainstream” in our society. Although it's becoming a much more accepted way to grow a family, many people are unfamiliar with so much about the process. Be prepared for a lot of questions. I found that after waiting for about six months, people tend to start asking tough questions. They assume if you aren’t matched right away, it’s not happening for you. I can’t tell you the number of times people mentioned that it's taking F-O-R-E-V-E-R.
After being placed with my son (our wait was about 14 months in the pool) I had people tell me that they assumed it would never happen for us. Individuals who aren’t familiar with the adoption process don’t realize the complexity of the process, and that it is entirely normal for the wait to take months or years.
5. What is your employer’s family leave policy? Does your employer require a certain amount of notice before taking parental leave? It’s helpful to know your employer's HR policies. When in doubt, check with HR. My employer was extremely flexible, but my husband had to have paperwork approved prior to being able to take leave. Having the paperwork filled out and ready to submit when the time comes can save you time and stress down the road. It is also the case that many leave policies are also coupled to the “disability” of the mother, which is irrelevant for adoptive moms. This is unjust, but remains the case in many places of work. Knowing the policy for parental leave at your own workplace, and how that is applied to adoptive parents will lead to fewer surprises down the line.
6.Will a last minute placement impact your job and or coworkers? Last minute placements are common and may not leave much time for planning and preparations at work. It can be helpful to confide in a coworker and or be open with management in the case of a last minute placement.
Sharing any aspect of your life is a personal choice. It's not your job to teach or manage the reactions of others, however it does allow others to learn more about adoption. Navigating the workplace while doing an adoption can present challenges. Keep in mind that you deserve to be happy, have parental leave, and parent, while still being able to advance your career.
